On my way home from work today I had a raw, real moment. Something that, unfortunately, has been a rarity. What started it? I don't know exactly. I was pondering something and it lead to me thinking this thought, "How do I ask forgiveness for something I am not yet sorry for?" How does anyone? If we are not sorry, we cannot ask forgiveness. Can we ask for the ability to feel sorry? To truly feel the depravity of what we have done?
After this thought came the rawest moment. I listened to "Keep Your Eyes Open" by Needtobreathe and I was suddenly in Heathrow, waiting for my flight to Africa. It has been a long time since I have REALLY thought about Africa. It's a painful thought. Not because it was at all bad in any way. But because I simply don't know how to handle life as I know it and incorporate the time I spent there.
As I listened to Francesca Batistelli belt out "Beautiful Beautiful" I nearly burst into tears.
Why am I so relunctant? Why can't I face it, work with everything that happened there and somehow try to make sense of it all? I struggled there in the car for just moments. Feeling the refreshing waters of Life rush over me.It had been so long.I can't even explain the feeling. Not at all. Words fail me.
I should stop here. I can't even try to comprehend everything at this point. I'll have to try again later...
