With the ups and downs of the last year, the struggles we've faced with Working Man's MS, the many visits in and out of the hospital or the emergency room, we've found it difficult to find hope and hold onto it. It's lead to a great many fights, arguments, and frustrations. Every once in awhile, this song comes on and it reminds me that things won't be this way forever. In words better than I could ever come up with, Jeremy Camp summarizes the only hope we can hold onto.
I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew
But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering
There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always
I know the journey seems so long
You feel you're walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone
Troubled soul don't lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that's in store
Outweighs the hurt of life's sting
I can't wait until that day where the very one I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing
So until we reach this day, I play this to remind myself of what our future really holds. Not what short-sighted view I have from today.
- FFR
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Mom's Third Eye
Every child of a decent parent believes their mom has an eye (or six) in the back of her head. Now that I've been a mom for almost two years and I've been the mom of a toddler for a year, I've had the chance to learn the truth behind the secret. My mother didn't have an extra pair of eyes in the back of her head, no mother does, as evidenced by the fact that I didn't suddenly grow an extra couple of eyes after giving birth. Instead, moms know that when things get quiet, their toddler is up to something.
When things get quiet, I know Daisy is into something. Based on where we are, I can also guess what she is into. It's understandable that when she gets older and I holler at her for getting into something when I'm in another room and haven't even looked, that she too will fall into the belief that her mom has eyes in the back of her head. At least, I hope that she does. It will mean I'm doing something right.
- FFR
When things get quiet, I know Daisy is into something. Based on where we are, I can also guess what she is into. It's understandable that when she gets older and I holler at her for getting into something when I'm in another room and haven't even looked, that she too will fall into the belief that her mom has eyes in the back of her head. At least, I hope that she does. It will mean I'm doing something right.
- FFR
Friday, October 18, 2013
Roller Coaster
You know the feeling. Your heart speeds up, your extremities get cold, you have that feeling of dread/excitement in your gut as you start to wonder why on earth you've decided to do this. Then you reach the top, have the last moment of utter fear and you tumble down, around the curves, clicking and clacking all the way. Instead of happiness, though, it's adrenaline, fear, and a lot of questions. Thought I was talking about a real roller coaster? Rather, talking about the roller coaster that MS has been.
There's really only three options when dealing with a family member with multiple sclerosis.
1) Blind hope and denial. I find it hard to believe this is an option but it can be for some I suppose. Ignore that the disease exists and feel utter surprise (and not in a good way) every time a symptom rears its ugly head.
2) Believe the worst, always. This is a pretty crummy way to live. It sounds appealing because you're never surprised. You always wait for the other shoe to drop. If you think about it, disappointment is the result of hope not met. In this strategy, you would always be ready for something to happen. Thus, no surprise. Seems perfect right? Well, maybe in some ways but the reality behind living this way is that you are never ever pleasantly surprised because even when something good happens, you are going to be waiting for something bad. I lived this way for a long time. I found it very unpleasant. The loss of hope leads to despair and depression.
3) Live in the present, plan for the future. It's true that you will never know what's coming but you're not waiting with bated breath for something bad to happen. You are prepared with the knowledge of what's likely to happen or what may happen, but you're not pre-depressed with what might happen.
By no means is it easy to live with MS or be the family member of someone with MS. There's a certain sound of resignation I've heard in the voices of Working Man's parents and friends when I tell them he's in the hospital again. They're always worried about him, of course, but it's not the same level of panic as when it happened the first few times. Usually they wait for the explanation and the information about when he'll get to go home again. A few days here, a week or two there. The hospital is familiar and almost homely at this point. We recognize the nursing staff, ER doctors, and even the laboratory technicians.
We went awhile without being in the ER or the hospital and when I walked back in there this week, a lot of memories rushed back and I felt...relieved. The staff has him in great hands. Now if I could just keep the house from falling apart and the dogs from escaping the yard, I'll be in good standing too.
There's really only three options when dealing with a family member with multiple sclerosis.
1) Blind hope and denial. I find it hard to believe this is an option but it can be for some I suppose. Ignore that the disease exists and feel utter surprise (and not in a good way) every time a symptom rears its ugly head.
2) Believe the worst, always. This is a pretty crummy way to live. It sounds appealing because you're never surprised. You always wait for the other shoe to drop. If you think about it, disappointment is the result of hope not met. In this strategy, you would always be ready for something to happen. Thus, no surprise. Seems perfect right? Well, maybe in some ways but the reality behind living this way is that you are never ever pleasantly surprised because even when something good happens, you are going to be waiting for something bad. I lived this way for a long time. I found it very unpleasant. The loss of hope leads to despair and depression.
3) Live in the present, plan for the future. It's true that you will never know what's coming but you're not waiting with bated breath for something bad to happen. You are prepared with the knowledge of what's likely to happen or what may happen, but you're not pre-depressed with what might happen.
By no means is it easy to live with MS or be the family member of someone with MS. There's a certain sound of resignation I've heard in the voices of Working Man's parents and friends when I tell them he's in the hospital again. They're always worried about him, of course, but it's not the same level of panic as when it happened the first few times. Usually they wait for the explanation and the information about when he'll get to go home again. A few days here, a week or two there. The hospital is familiar and almost homely at this point. We recognize the nursing staff, ER doctors, and even the laboratory technicians.
We went awhile without being in the ER or the hospital and when I walked back in there this week, a lot of memories rushed back and I felt...relieved. The staff has him in great hands. Now if I could just keep the house from falling apart and the dogs from escaping the yard, I'll be in good standing too.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Potty Training
Yesterday our little girl became a bigger little girl. At swim class she blew bubbles. She just decided she was going to. She also jumped, actually jumped, off Harry the Hippo (he floats in the pool and the kids walk/crawl from one end to the other and wait for the ok from mom or dad before jumping in to them). Not to mention she very clearly said, "bless you" when I sneezed in the car. Where is my baby?
When she woke from her morning nap she had a diaper that leaked. I decided that it was time to get serious about the potty. She kept apologizing and saying sorry and I felt bad. It's not her fault that we haven't taught her! So we decided to use the tactic Neti uses at day care with her kids. We take her to the potty every half hour whether she says something or not. If she says something then of course we take her sooner.
We knew it would be a rough day because we were at the Harley Dealership all afternoon but I set an alarm on my phone and we just made do. We had interrupted lunches and conversations but you know what? She peed in the potty twice! Then after we got home, she did it again just before bed. She got lots of praise each time and she seemed to like going. We're hoping it will continue this way but for now, at least we have a plan.
This morning she asked to go to the potty and she peed just a little. The fact that she asked is a big deal. Remaining time on the clock? One minute 50 seconds. Good job. High fives are her reward and she seems to love it!
Yesterday we went to Neti and Gary's house for pumpkin fun with their grand kids. Daisy had a blast with the other kids (they're all a few years older than her) and when the older kids finished bobbing for apples, she ate them. She got to roast her first marshmallow and eat her first s'more. She was more interested in the second half of her apple than the s'more. I'm a little proud of that.
22 months brings a lot of changes and growing up. It has brought plenty of independence and learning on all our parts to find the balance between what she wants to do and what is feasible for where we are and what we're doing. She's definitely very interested in feeding herself and that can be our biggest struggle. Some foods are just difficult for her to manage but others are simple. We went out to eat and she drank all of my miso soup from the bowl. Now that's an easy food!
When she woke from her morning nap she had a diaper that leaked. I decided that it was time to get serious about the potty. She kept apologizing and saying sorry and I felt bad. It's not her fault that we haven't taught her! So we decided to use the tactic Neti uses at day care with her kids. We take her to the potty every half hour whether she says something or not. If she says something then of course we take her sooner.
We knew it would be a rough day because we were at the Harley Dealership all afternoon but I set an alarm on my phone and we just made do. We had interrupted lunches and conversations but you know what? She peed in the potty twice! Then after we got home, she did it again just before bed. She got lots of praise each time and she seemed to like going. We're hoping it will continue this way but for now, at least we have a plan.
This morning she asked to go to the potty and she peed just a little. The fact that she asked is a big deal. Remaining time on the clock? One minute 50 seconds. Good job. High fives are her reward and she seems to love it!
Yesterday we went to Neti and Gary's house for pumpkin fun with their grand kids. Daisy had a blast with the other kids (they're all a few years older than her) and when the older kids finished bobbing for apples, she ate them. She got to roast her first marshmallow and eat her first s'more. She was more interested in the second half of her apple than the s'more. I'm a little proud of that.
22 months brings a lot of changes and growing up. It has brought plenty of independence and learning on all our parts to find the balance between what she wants to do and what is feasible for where we are and what we're doing. She's definitely very interested in feeding herself and that can be our biggest struggle. Some foods are just difficult for her to manage but others are simple. We went out to eat and she drank all of my miso soup from the bowl. Now that's an easy food!
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
An Island I Am...Not
A sales rep at work asked me a question that got me thinking. "How do you do it all?" She was referring to the two jobs I'm doing at work; not all the other little roles I have there, being a mother and wife, and going to school. I gave a simple answer. Sometimes it just works. But that's hardly the whole story.
Doing so much doesn't just "work". It doesn't fall into place, it's hard. So how do I do it? First and foremost is my husband of course for the emotional support. I couldn't ask for someone more supportive of everything I'm doing (or attempting).
When it comes to the "doing" all. The. Time. That would have to go to my in-laws. Forget the conjured images from Monster In Law or the hilarious yet embarrassing situations from Meet The Parents, my in-laws do more than anything I've ever expected.
They watch Duck when I'm at work or school. They also watch her while I'm trying to study or when I'm going to visit Working Man in the hospital. It doesn't get any more helpful than that. They hold the world outside of work together.
At work it's my boss who watches out. She knows when I've got too much, even when I don't know it.
So the reality is, "I" don't do it all. In the same way that no (wo)man is an island, I do not do it all. I have enormous amounts of help. While it's hard to take it sometimes, we all must be willing to accept help when it's needed and even more, we must be willing to ask.
-FFR
Doing so much doesn't just "work". It doesn't fall into place, it's hard. So how do I do it? First and foremost is my husband of course for the emotional support. I couldn't ask for someone more supportive of everything I'm doing (or attempting).
When it comes to the "doing" all. The. Time. That would have to go to my in-laws. Forget the conjured images from Monster In Law or the hilarious yet embarrassing situations from Meet The Parents, my in-laws do more than anything I've ever expected.
They watch Duck when I'm at work or school. They also watch her while I'm trying to study or when I'm going to visit Working Man in the hospital. It doesn't get any more helpful than that. They hold the world outside of work together.
At work it's my boss who watches out. She knows when I've got too much, even when I don't know it.
So the reality is, "I" don't do it all. In the same way that no (wo)man is an island, I do not do it all. I have enormous amounts of help. While it's hard to take it sometimes, we all must be willing to accept help when it's needed and even more, we must be willing to ask.
-FFR
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