There Will Be A Day

With the ups and downs of the last year, the struggles we've faced with Working Man's MS, the many visits in and out of the hospital or the emergency room, we've found it difficult to find hope and hold onto it. It's lead to a great many fights, arguments, and frustrations. Every once in awhile, this song comes on and it reminds me that things won't be this way forever. In words better than I could ever come up with, Jeremy Camp summarizes the only hope we can hold onto.

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have 
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab 
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth, 
that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew 

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings 
That there will be a place with no more suffering 

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears 
There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face 
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always 

I know the journey seems so long 
You feel you're walking on your own 
But there has never been a step 
Where you've walked out all alone 

Troubled soul don't lose your heart 
Cause joy and peace he brings 
And the beauty that's in store 
Outweighs the hurt of life's sting 

I can't wait until that day where the very one I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery this is why this is why I sing

So until we reach this day, I play this to remind myself of what our future really holds. Not what short-sighted view I have from today.
- FFR

Mom's Third Eye

Every child of a decent parent believes their mom has an eye (or six) in the back of her head. Now that I've been a mom for almost two years and I've been the mom of a toddler for a year, I've had the chance to learn the truth behind the secret. My mother didn't have an extra pair of eyes in the back of her head, no mother does, as evidenced  by the fact that I didn't suddenly grow an extra couple of eyes after giving birth. Instead, moms know that when things get quiet, their toddler is up to something.

When things get quiet, I know Daisy is into something. Based on where we are, I can also guess what she is into. It's understandable that when she gets older and I holler at her for getting into something when I'm in another room and haven't even looked, that she too will fall into the belief that her mom has eyes in the back of her head. At least, I hope that she does. It will mean I'm doing something right.

- FFR

Roller Coaster

You know the feeling. Your heart speeds up, your extremities get cold, you have that feeling of dread/excitement in your gut as you start to wonder why on earth you've decided to do this. Then you reach the top, have the last moment of utter fear and you tumble down, around the curves, clicking and clacking all the way. Instead of happiness, though, it's adrenaline, fear, and a lot of questions. Thought I was talking about a real roller coaster? Rather, talking about the roller coaster that MS has been.

There's really only three options when dealing with a family member with multiple sclerosis.

1) Blind hope and denial. I find it hard to believe this is an option but it can be for some I suppose. Ignore that the disease exists and feel utter surprise (and not in a good way) every time a symptom rears its ugly head.

2) Believe the worst, always. This is a pretty crummy way to live. It sounds appealing because you're never surprised. You always wait for the other shoe to drop. If you think about it, disappointment is the result of hope not met. In this strategy, you would always be ready for something to happen. Thus, no surprise. Seems perfect right? Well, maybe in some ways but the reality behind living this way is that you are never ever pleasantly surprised because even when something good happens, you are going to be waiting for something bad. I lived this way for a long time. I found it very unpleasant. The loss of hope leads to despair and depression.

3) Live in the present, plan for the future. It's true that you will never know what's coming but you're not waiting with bated breath for something bad to happen. You are prepared with the knowledge of what's likely to happen or what may happen, but you're not pre-depressed with what might happen.

By no means is it easy to live with MS or be the family member of someone with MS. There's a certain sound of resignation I've heard in the voices of Working Man's parents and friends when I tell them he's in the hospital again. They're always worried about him, of course, but it's not the same level of panic as when it happened the first few times. Usually they wait for the explanation and the information about when he'll get to go home again. A few days here, a week or two there. The hospital is familiar and almost homely at this point. We recognize the nursing staff, ER doctors, and even the laboratory technicians.

We went awhile without being in the ER or the hospital and when I walked back in there this week, a lot of memories rushed back and I felt...relieved. The staff has him in great hands. Now if I could just keep the house from falling apart and the dogs from escaping the yard, I'll be in good standing too.

Potty Training

Yesterday our little girl became a bigger little girl. At swim class she blew bubbles. She just decided she was going to. She also jumped, actually jumped, off Harry the Hippo (he floats in the pool and the kids walk/crawl from one end to the other and wait for the ok from mom or dad before jumping in to them). Not to mention she very clearly said, "bless you" when I sneezed in the car. Where is my baby?

When she woke from her morning nap she had a diaper that leaked. I decided that it was time to get serious about the potty. She kept apologizing and saying sorry and I felt bad. It's not her fault that we haven't taught her! So we decided to use the tactic Neti uses at day care with her kids. We take her to the potty every half hour whether she says something or not. If she says something then of course we take her sooner.

We knew it would be a rough day because we were at the Harley Dealership all afternoon but I set an alarm on my phone and we just made do. We had interrupted lunches and conversations but you know what? She peed in the potty twice! Then after we got home, she did it again just before bed. She got lots of praise each time and she seemed to like going. We're hoping it will continue this way but for now, at least we have a plan.

This morning she asked to go to the potty and she peed just a little. The fact that she asked is a big deal. Remaining time on the clock? One minute 50 seconds. Good job. High fives are her reward and she seems to love it!

Yesterday we went to Neti and Gary's house for pumpkin fun with their grand kids. Daisy had a blast with the other kids (they're all a few years older than her) and when the older kids finished bobbing for apples, she ate them. She got to roast her first marshmallow and eat her first s'more. She was more interested in the second half of her apple than the s'more. I'm a little proud of that.

22 months brings a lot of changes and growing up. It has brought plenty of independence and learning on all our parts to find the balance between what she wants to do and what is feasible for where we are and what we're doing. She's definitely very interested in feeding herself and that can be our biggest struggle. Some foods are just difficult for her to manage but others are simple. We went out to eat and she drank all of my miso soup from the bowl. Now that's an easy food!

An Island I Am...Not

A sales rep at work asked me a question that got me thinking. "How do you do it all?" She was referring to the two jobs I'm doing at work; not all the other little roles I have there, being a mother and wife, and going to school. I gave a simple answer. Sometimes it just works. But that's hardly the whole story.

Doing so much doesn't just "work". It doesn't fall into place, it's hard. So how do I do it? First and foremost is my husband of course for the emotional support. I couldn't ask for someone more supportive of everything I'm doing (or attempting).

When it comes to the "doing" all. The. Time. That would have to go to my in-laws. Forget the conjured images from Monster In Law or the hilarious yet embarrassing situations from Meet The Parents, my in-laws do more than anything I've ever expected.

They watch Duck when I'm at work or school. They also watch her while I'm trying to study or when I'm going to visit Working Man in the hospital. It doesn't get any more helpful than that. They hold the world outside of work together.

At work it's my boss who watches out. She knows when I've got too much, even when I don't know it.

So the reality is, "I" don't do it all. In the same way that no (wo)man is an island, I do not do it all. I have enormous amounts of help. While it's hard to take it sometimes, we all must be willing to accept help when it's needed and even more, we must be willing to ask.

-FFR

One A Month

Let's get some pictures yes?

Born! (December 11)

1 Month (January 12)

 2 Months (February 12)

 3 Months (March 12)

 4 Months (April 12)

 5 Months (May 12)

6 Months (June 12)

 7 Months (July 12)

 8 Months (August 12)

9 Months (September 12)

10 Months (October 12)

 11 Months (November 12)

 12 Months (December 12)

13 Months (January 13)

14 Months (February 13)

15 Months (March 13)

16 Months (April 13)

17 Months (May 13)

18 Months (June 13)

19 Months (July 13)

20 Months (August 13)

21 Months (September 13)

What a difference nearly two years can make!

- FFR

Pluviophile

I can hardly believe it's the middle of September already. Where does the time go?! I am beginning to look for Christmas and birthday gifts for Daisy and am finding it difficult. What do you get the girl who has so much? It's time to clean out her toy buckets again. She accumulates toys at a faster rate than we can remove them. It's getting out of control. She wants for nothing that's for sure.

This year I want to start a new tradition. Working Man and his family always have appetizers for Christmas Eve dinner, opened all their present that night, and had prime rib for Christmas dinner. After Daisy was born I called for a change in tradition. I love the appetizers for dinner but wanted her to open only one present on Christmas Eve. This year I want to add something else. On Pinterest I had seen a pin of someone who did Christmas Eve baskets and in each were Christmas morning pajamas, a Christmas movie, and a move snack. The pinner stated everyone would change into their Christmas pjs, watch the movie and eat their snack. This just sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.

I so look forward to Christmas because it means that it's cold and cloudy, my favorite. I found a word for this on Facebook, pluviophile. A person who loves rainy dreary days. Bring on the rain!

Gone Too Soon

Yesterday we laid a wonderful man to rest. I hardly knew Harold by comparison but I knew he was a good and dear friend to my husband. That's all I needed to know. When I heard he passed last Saturday I was sad for my husband but, otherwise, at peace. Walking into the church on Friday and seeing him there was my undoing. It only got harder as friends, family, co-workers and his church family spoke of the great man the world lost. Harold, we will see you on the other side. No doubt there. You're probably lighting up heaven with your wonderful humor.

Long Overdue

I can't believe the last time I wrote it was December. Time sure does fly. January improved over December but my husband still spent time in and out of the hospital and in the infusion clinics receiving steroids to help with his symptoms. Two different medications later, we've found one that works. Unfortunately, he still suffers from some symptoms that are not likely to go away.

Since Daisy's one year she has changed so much! She runs and talks in sentences. She makes herself very clear. She loves to be helpful and goes out to feed the animals every day, cleans up her toys, and tries to clean her tray after eating. She's not always the most successful but she tries.

This week, she's learned to use possessive terms. She identifies what is "Mama's", "Dada's", and the like. We also caught her singing. The first song she "sang" with was Shakira's "Loba". She has also become a fan of attempting to dress herself. She's good with shirts but not as good with pants. 

Daisy still swims every week in her swim class and she's getting really good at it. We've added gymnastics to the mix and she's getting very good at that too. It's teaching her to be flexible, coordinated, and, most importantly, to be patient. Like Mama, not one of her strong suits. She's an ace at the trampoline (we got one for her a couple months ago at home$ much better than kids older than her. She's good at the bars and has a strong grip and each week she improves her balance on the beam. Her favorite, though, is the floor where she gets to climb and tumble. She will climb on anything!

As for me, I took Microbiology in spring and got an A by the skin of my teeth. I had the summer off and am just starting physiology now. Cross your fingers, my first quiz is this week. Work is great, very busy but fulfilling. I've had to fill in some Saturdays for lack of a manager but we'll have a new one soon. That's all I can think to update for now. I'll try to write again soon but no guarantees of course.

But can't we wait until midnight?!

I'm about to write everything that happened in December. None of this is made up but it would be tempting to think that it is. There's a saying that "God never gives you more than you can handle" and while I hold to this truth, I also wondered, many times, if I hadn't reached my limit.

It started early in December. I got a cold. At finals time. The worst possible time to be foggy-minded and I was. Through coughing and blowing my nose, I made it through my finals. I even pulled off an A in my hardest class, anatomy. However, I got a B in one of my other classes (Point one for December). While I survived the cold and moved on, we began working on baby number 2. 7 days later, I picked up a stomach bug. Vomiting all night long (along with my father-in-law), I worried about dehydration. So my husband and I packed up and went to the ER. They pumped me full of fluids and gave me magical anti-nausea pills. They also said initial results showed we weren't pregnant (we held out hope because it was very early yet). Later that day, my husband got a positive diagnosis of multiple sclerosis. (Points 2 & 3 for December) We scheduled a time to meet with a nurse on the following Wednesday to show him how to administer his medications.

On Thursday, I received a phone call from my grandfather. He was not well. So I contacted my family closer to him and they took things from there. Either way, he wasn't going to be coming up to visit for Daisy's birthday or Christmas as we had discussed two days earlier. (Point 4) On Friday, I got information that my grandfather's MRI was clean but we weren't sure what was causing the issues he was having. Saturday, he calls us from a few hours away (around halfway through his trip to come see us) to tell us he is coming. We rush to get things together to find that our RV doesn't want to run or charge (Point 5).

We cleaned our camping trailer and prepared it for their stay. Things weren't right from the start with them and Christmas night, December won point 6. The day after Christmas, December won point 7 as we rushed my grandfather to the hospital and point 8 when, surprise, I was definitely not pregnant.

December won point 9 when I went in for a baseline ultrasound for the next cycle and found I had a cyst, I would not be able to do anything this cycle.

We got my grandfather out of the hospital and on his way home on the 30th. That day, December won point 10 when we had to take Matt to the hospital. There he was diagnosed with pneumonia.

I went to work the next day but December scored point 11 later that afternoon. While I was getting a nice New Year's Eve dinner for us in the hospital, my husband became incapable of breathing. They rushed in a code team and got him breathing. I came to the hospital just an hour after that episode (I don't know why I wasn't called...) I have to mention here that at this time, the Lord's Prospects were there keeping Matt company. This is important later.

A CT scan showed two pulmonary emboli, one in each lung (blood clots) and completely unrelated from the pneumonia. He was asked to move to his chair from the gurney because they wanted him sitting up. While he sat there, he had trouble breathing again. They got him on high flow oxygen and put him back in bed. They got a respiratory specialist and put him on a Bipap machine.

They contemplated moving him to ICU and decided it would be for the best so he could be more closely monitored. We got him moved and they asked me to wait in the waiting room while they got his information passed from one team to the next. Points 12 & 13 were given to December when the doctor came in and said they needed to intubate him and give him a drug that *could* kill him, but shouldn't. He asked to see me. I got to see him for just a minute while they prepped then they asked me to leave.

At this time, the Lord's Prospects returned. They had only been gone maybe 45 minutes from their last visit but they had gotten the news that the CT scan wasn't good and dropped their plans to come sit with me. This is where I lost it. All of December had been so rotten, so awful. Everything had gone so horribly wrong. My simple thought was, "What if he dies?" And I burst into tears. I have never been so afraid in all my life. The Lord's Prospects were so good, so reassuring, so comforting. They didn't know what would happen but they kept telling me that Matt was a fighter. Still, I was terrified. It was still December, several hours away from the promise of relief of January. I had a very real fear that December would kill my husband.

It didn't. But it was a long wait. December finally finished and my husband, still in the hospital, is slowly on the mend. December won, it kicked my ass, but I'm still standing. By the strength of God, I am still standing.

I hope to never have such a terrible month again. But if I do, maybe just maybe I'll remember this month and remember that we made it. In one piece.